


How Many

by That_Is_Americas_Ass



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TV 2003)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Tragedy, Emotional Hurt, Family Feels, Family Issues, Fighting, Graphic Description, Heavy Angst, Hurt Donatello (TMNT), Look for easter eggs, Major Character Injury, Raphael and Donatello, Raphael fucks up, Sick Character, You Decide, poor Donnie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-03
Updated: 2021-01-03
Packaged: 2021-03-13 17:20:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28532070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/That_Is_Americas_Ass/pseuds/That_Is_Americas_Ass
Summary: Death is a hard thing to accept.For some, it is is easy. For others, it can be unimaginable. It can make the strong feel weak, the quiet to become enraged. It can make you forget who you are. It can force you into a state of mind that can make you feel as though death has come for you as well. It can make you cherish, or forget, what you still have. That in itself can sometimes be a hard lesson to learn.For Raphael, it becomes the hardest lesson he's ever had...
Relationships: Donatello & Leonardo & Michelangelo & Raphael (TMNT), Donatello & Raphael (TMNT)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 15





	How Many

**Author's Note:**

> I'll be honest guys, this is an old fic that was originally posted on FanFiction Net and I forgot to move it over here...so...yeah. I apologize for any spelling, grammar or ANY errors you find, I'm just fixing them as I go along. It ain't great, it ain't perfect, but here we go! 
> 
> Can be seen as slash if you choose, I kept it open for that exact reason. Imagining TMNT 2003 TV Series, but feel free to picture whatever you want.

* * *

_How many turtles does it take to screw in a light-bulb?_

Pretty cliché question, right? Sounds like the beginning of some stupid joke, doesn't it. For the Hamato clan, it's a serious question.

A question that should have a simple answer.

_You couldn't be more wrong..._

* * *

Raphael stood outside the, now dark, lab within the lair. His palms were ice cold as he fought an internal war with himself. In his hand he held a light-bulb, more precisely, he held a light-bulb that was made for Donatello's main lab light.

As he stared at the empty, dark room he could feel nausea sweep over him...it shouldn't be so hard.

The low, blaring hum of the machinery echoing throughout the lair, so loud yet so quiet without their master to guide them. No one there to create a new experiment or blow something up. No turtle genius to scare them all half to death when something explodes inside the lab in the ungodly hours of the morning.

It had been months since that lab light had been left on, unattended.

In a single night, one goddamn night, the Hamato clan had been torn apart...

Their master and Father, Splinter, had been having problems with his heart condition. There was little they could do for the old rat. It was merely a complication of age, Splinter was getting old and his body couldn't handle the strain. Constant check-ups and new medications had done nothing for him, no matter what they tried, nothing worked. As time passed, Splinter's condition worsened.

_Until one night..._

Raph continued to stare into the darkness before him as his mind wandered. The memories continued to assault him as they rushed through his mind, replaying what he considered to be the most horrific night of his life. Vivid images of what had transpired that very night rushed to the forefront of his mind.

He remembered everything. 

He remembered every fucking thing.

* * *

  
_"Master!" Leo cried out in surprise as Splinter hit the floor of the do-jo, the old rat clutching his chest and gasping for precious air._

_Donnie had rushed in alongside Raph, taking note of the scene for a split second before switching to his Doctor state-of-mind. All four of the brothers had gathered around their Sensei as he held onto life as hard as he could._

_"_ _Donnie what's wrong with him!" Raph shouted fearfully, taking note of how shallow Splinter's breathing was. Donnie hadn't responded to him. The gentle turtle just continued to take notes in his head as he worked frantically to keep his patient alive, keeping track of how spread out Splinter's quiet intakes were._

_Until there were no more..._

* * *

It wasn't a secret that they had all, at some point in time, thought about what life would be like without the great rat master there to guide them, but never once did they truly believe they would loose him. They all knew the chances of Splinter outliving them were always slim. It wasn't a pleasant thought, but it was always one that stuck with them, to wonder if they would force their father to live without one of his sons. With their lifestyle, how could they not think about it? 

A small, ever so small, part of Raphael was glad that Splinter had passed before them, because he wasn't sure their old man could handle outliving even one of them. Hell, just the thought of outliving one of his brothers was enough to make him sick. 

_No wonder you're so fucked up now..._

After they learned about Splinter's heart problems and knew there was a very strong possibility that their master would not be around for much longer, which seemed inevitable, the brothers had tried to come to terms with that unsettling fact in their own ways. 

That didn't make it any easier.

* * *

_  
"No...No! No! M-Master please!" Donnie pleaded while preforming CPR, giving large gulps of air to their father as he tried, desperately, to resuscitate him._

_Leo was the only one to think quickly and turned Mikey's face into his arms, covering their brother's head. This was not something their baby brother could watch...  
_

_"_ _Sensei! Come on, breathe! P-please breathe!" Donnie screamed as he continued to beat on Splinter's unresponsive chest, no longer caring if he broke ribs._

_Raph stood silently beside Splinter's prone body, watching Donatello hopelessly try to get the rats' heart beating again.  
_

* * *

A massive heart attack.

There was no possible way Donatello could have saved Splinter that night, no matter how hard he tried...

At the time it hadn't mattered though. It didn't matter that Donnie had done his best, all he was capable of. All that mattered was that he'd failed. Their father was dead...and all Raph could do was blame the one who had _failed_ to save him.

_'It wasn't your fault Donnie...it was never your fault'_ he thought, already fighting the tears threatening to fall.

Raphael cursed himself over and over again in his mind, knowing that everything that happened after their master was gone was his own damn fault. His anger had gotten the best of him.

Donnie was not the one to blame...

"But I was too fuckin' blind ta' see that," he cursed, thinking back to the events that followed Splinter's death. There was no way he could have known what the outcome of his actions would lead to. He could still remember the way he'd thrown himself at his gentle brother, ready to rip Donatello apart.

Oh God, the bruises he'd left on Donnie that night...

_"This is your fault! You're a fucking genius an' you let him die! You let our father die, Donatello!"_

Raph didn't remember hitting Donnie, Hell he didn't even remember grabbing him, but one minute he was on his knees beside their fallen master and the next he had Don pinned to the floor with his hands around his little brother's neck. Leo and Mikey had fought to fight him off, urgently trying to remove his murderous form from their brother.

All he remembered was the anger...

Rage.

Blind, uncontrolled rage.

He never meant to hurt his Donnie-boy like that. He never meant for any of his brothers to get hurt, never on the wrong side of his uncontrollable temper...especially not the one he loved.

The pain had been too much to handle, so he'd left the lair. Ran off towards the surface world like the Devil was on his heels. The pain of Splinter's sudden demise, the wrath building up inside him that would only lead to bloodshed, it forced him to run. He couldn't say what led him to that particular rooftop that night. Hell, he didn't even know how far he'd ran until he returned to the lair hours later, but somehow he'd wound up miles from home.

He had no idea he'd been followed that night.

He had no idea that Donatello would be the one to find him.

Nor could he have ever imagined, not even in his worst nightmares, what would happened next.

* * *

_Raphael could feel eyes watching him as he paced the rooftop restlessly, momentarily stopping to catch his breath. If Leo had followed him, the fearless leader would be in for one Hell of a fight._

_"Raph?"_

_No._

_'What the fuck is he doin' here!' Raphael thought furiously, q_ _uickly turning his back on his brother. He tried to quell the fury in his mind, quieting the voices screaming at him to take vengeance, to let his weapon draw blood._

_"Raphael?" Donatello whispered, cautiously stepping closer._

_"Your fault," Raphael growled, shaking with pent up emotions._

_"Raphie...please--"_

* * *

Rage had driven Raph's actions that night, as well as his tongue. The things he'd said to Donnie still haunted him. Things that, even if his brother were still here, he would have never been forgiven for.

Things he could never take back...

_"You're supposed to be the fuckin' so-called brains a' this family! You fix everything but y-you--you let him die! Our father is dead because of you, Donatello! You Let Him Die!"_

He'd lunged at his little brother in an eruption of fury. Donnie never even saw the attack coming...or maybe he had. One minute Raph's sais had been sheathed at his sides, the next they were slicing through his brothers' arm.

_'Damn bastard wouldn't even fight back...Goddammit, why didn't he fight back!'_ he screamed to his subconscious. Maybe if Donatello had fought back, maybe he'd still be-be--

_'He's gone...'cause a me,'_ he thought solemnly, gripping the light-bulb tighter, so tight that the glass began to crack under the strain.

To even step foot into Donnie's space now, it was just too much for him

_'Dammit. Why the fuck did I leave him behind!'_

Raph had been having an internal war with himself after his actions that night. One half of him knew why he'd left Donnie behind that night, while the other fought back against his unacceptable ire and sought out forgiveness for what he had done. He'd give anything, absolutely anything, to make the pain stop. He knew Donatello had been in critical condition, mutilated by Raphael's own hand no less.

In the past, it didn't matter how hostile he was or even if he wasn't in his right mind...if one of his brothers was hurt or injured, he was always there to help them. No matter what.

And yet...he left Donnie.

His Donnie-boy.

He left his baby brother. 

_He truly was a monster..._

* * *

_The fight, if you could even call it that, was bloody._

_"_ _You're no brother of mine!" Raphael roared as he sent Donatello flying across the roof with a savage kick to his midsection that was sure to break ribs. He'd slashed at the gentle turtle too many times to count, tearing through the muscle of Donatello's arms and shoulders as the younger brother struggled to shield himself._

_Sias met flesh, spilling blood onto the gravel rooftop._

_Soft pleas echoed in the silence around them only to be followed with cruel words and howling cries for bloodshed._

_It wasn't a fight._

_I_ _t was a slaughter._

_E_ _very lesson Splinter had instilled in them had vanished in the wake of Raphael's anger._

_Donnie fought to keep his eyes open, but with the pain coursing through him it was proving difficult. Deep down, he knew Raphael didn't mean it...but that didn't make it hurt any less. The pain of losing their father hurt him deeply, but the pain he felt in his heart from seeing Raphael's hatred directed at him was ten-fold._ _As he lifted his head to look at his brother once more, he could see Raph standing on the edge of the roof, his precious weapons sheathed once again, blood staining the leather belt around his waist as Donatello's blood dripped onto the gravel._

_Raph could feel his muscles flexing dangerously under his skin, anxious for more action. His weapons had not tasted enough blood to be satisfied yet...but he knew if he continued he would ultimately kill his opponent. Out of the corner of his eye he could see his little brother lying prone on the ground, blood pouring from the wounds he'd inflicted._

_"Don't fuckin' bother comin' home," he warned roughly. "If you even have the guts to return...it'll be too soon."_

_With those words, he jumped off the roof into the alley below, n_ _ever once looking back to see if Donatello had even made it off the ground._

* * *

Raph could feel fresh tears streaming down his face, unaware of their presence before. There was no telling how many times he'd cried just thinking about what he'd done, what he had lost that night. 

The darkness was creeping in on him again...the never ending pain clutching at his heart.

When he had returned to the lair late in the night after Splinter's death, it was quiet. In the time-frame he'd been gone, Leo had taken it upon himself to dress their father in his best robes and place him in his room. The fearless leader had parked himself in the do-jo with Michelangelo glued to his side. Neither had asked Raph where their genius brother was, not that he could have answered them anyway. They both kept their distance from him that night.

Whether it was out of respect, or fear, he never knew...

The next day, they had taken Splinter's body out to the ocean shoreline. In the early light of dawn, away from prying eyes, they held a simple funeral. They'd burned the body out of respect and safety. The last thing they'd needed was for the humans to find Splinters remains.

Neither Leo nor Mikey spoke to him for days. They both assumed that Donnie had gone off somewhere to grieve. At the time, April and Casey had been out of town, so naturally they thought the gentle souled turtle had gone to the apartment to be alone. 

_'So did I...'_ he thought, gripping the glass bulb tight enough to crack the outer sheathing. He'd thought after their fight, Donnie had gone to the apartment to heal, knowing it was a bad idea to go back home to the lair. 

But that wasn't the case. 

_He never made it to the apartment..._

Raph could remember the first few days without Donatello in the lair. It had been quiet, off in a way, and very unnerving. As the days passed, the anger inside him began to fade back into the depths, replaced with unwavering guilt and sorrow. 

* * *

_"Donnie should have come home by now. April and Casey are coming home tonight, right?" Mikey asked, pacing back and forth across the kitchen floor. Leo was sitting at the table holding a cup of tea, his eyes weary while he stared at his cup._

_"_ _I already called April and asked if she could talk to him, get him to come home...I explained what happened," Leo murmured. Deep down, he felt guilty that Donnie never got to say goodbye at their father's funeral. He understood the need to grieve, and he knew that Donnie always preferred to be alone in times like that, but a week with no word was too much...they needed him to come back home._

_Raph listened from the other room as Leo and Mike conversed over what to do. He knew that the chances of Donatello forgiving him, even speaking to him, were slim to none. Of all the brothers, Donnie's heart was the kindest and softest, too tenderhearted to ever hold a grudge for long. It was why they always called him the gentle one. Donnie could never stay mad at any of them, but what little ire he had was usually directed at Raph over the hot tempered turtle losing his head. When they did argue, which wasn't too often, Raph would brood for a couple of days before offering to go scour the junkyard for a new toy for Donnie to tinker with, or in most cases, Donnie would simply pretend everything was fine and go back to normal. It was the younger turtles unspoken way of forgiving Raphael for whatever it was he'd done wrong._

_However, this wasn't a small tiff._

_T_ _his wasn't an argument where they each needed a little space._

_Hell, it wasn't even an accidental blow during combat training that left Donnie milking a guilt trip out of him._

_He had to be prepared for the worst. Donatello had every right to curse him, push him away, even ignore his very existence. When Leo and Mikey find out what he'd done, God he really didn't want to think about that yet. They had no idea what occurred that night. He take their anger, he'd even leave their home if that's what they asked of him._

_But he needed_ _his little brother to come back home..._

* * *

Little did they know, that would never happen.

The last time they would ever see Donatello would be with bruises around his neck. For Raphael, the last image he had was a bloody mess bleeding to death on a rooftop. 

It wasn't until they had received a panicked phone call from April saying that their brother wasn't there, that Donnie had never been there, that they began their frantic search for the missing turtle. 

Raph had gone cold when April explained that nothing was out of place, no blood, nothing. An icy chill had gone through him at the thought of loosing his beloved brother.

* * *

_Raphael raced across rooftop after rooftop, praying that he was wrong. He followed the same path he had the night his father passed away._ _Jumping from roof to roof as a maelstrom of_ _thunder clouds rolled across the sky_ _behind him. It was as if the damn clouds were chasing him...mocking him._

_After what seemed like hours of running,_ _he could see the building where he and Donatello had fought that night. Making a final leap,_ _he landed on the gravel rooftop, surveying every corner. A few feet away from him, embedded in the ground,_ _was something shiny_ _glinting in the moonlight. Carefully dropping down to reach for the object, he_ _soon realized it was a throwing star._

_Growling,_ _he recognized the symbol instantly...the Foot. Gripping the small piece of metal,_ _he dropped his gaze to the last place he'd seen Donnie...and his blood ran cold._ _On the gravel rock, was Donatello's prized bo staff shattered in pieces._

_And a disturbing amount of blood..._

* * *

Raphael had searched all night for his little brother after fleeing that roof. He had refused to believe that Donatello was really gone. It had nearly killed him to come to terms with the fact that he had left Donnie alone to face their enemy, injured and unable to defend himself. 

The guilt that he'd felt that night was unimaginable. For days, he'd continued his relentless search, tracking down low-life Foot members and beating them for any information they had. There were times when he was alone, without Leo to control or leash him, that he would simply kill the clan members, just to kill them. They were killers, murderers, what did it matter if he wiped them off the face of the Earth? Out of revenge or not...it never mattered.

Weeks passed like that, and soon months passed as well. 

The night he returned to the lair to tell his family the horrifying news was a night be wished he could forget. It didn't seem possible to loose so much in so little time, and yet they had. 

Every time one of them passed by the lab it was like re-living that night all over again.

No one had thought, or bothered, to turn the light in the lab off.

If the light went off, it would seem far too real...too _final._

As long as the light was on, his Donnie-Boy would still be there. 

He would still be working in the lab at ungodly hours trying to perfect a new machine.

He would still be up late listening to some science nerd go on and on about a new breakthrough in the medical field, excitedly blabbering on and on to them all about it. 

He'd still be working on the Shell Cycle and asking _'Raphie, can you please help me?'_

...he'd still be there to say _'I love you, Raphie'._

_'I'll never hear his voice again,'_ Raph thought brokenly, closing his eyes. As long as he could keep the damn light on it would be easier to live with.

It would be easier to live with himself...

As he was brought back to the present, he immediately noticed a presence next to him. Glancing over, he saw Leo staring at the vacant room silently, a distant look in his eyes, one Raph couldn't quite pinpoint.

Course...reading people wasn't exactly his thing. 

A pair of arms found their way under his arm, curling around his middle when he wasn't paying attention. A soft whimper told him it was his baby brother...his _only_ baby brother now.

The soft cries coming from Michelangelo were enough to break his empty heart all over again. The weeks that followed Splinter's death and Donatello's disappearance, Raphael had listened to his baby brother cry far too many times, more than he'd ever thought possible...not that he was any better.

As he stared at the darkness once more, he felt a hand wrap around his own holding the stupid light-bulb, quickly followed by another. Leo and Mikey didn't say anything, they just stood there silently, waiting for him to make a decision. They'd given him the final choice. 

_It shouldn't be this hard..._

Three sets of eyes stared at a cold, dark, silent room. 

_How many turtles does it take to screw in a light-bulb?_

**Author's Note:**

> ...sorry not sorry. 
> 
> You know I love to hear from you all. Until next time!


End file.
